two days....still pure

i didnt mean to necessarily start a personal journal/diary out of this, especially one about my struggle to stop masturbating, but no one reads this and i dont have personal info in it if anyone did....

so the last two days i havent masturbated, and i am trying to pride myself in the fact. I still however automatically stare at a women i think is hott....I am trying to avoid that as i have already let my mind wander and already aroused myself and created "sexual tension"......i havent been tempted to a unbearable point however, and am going to work on focusing my mind on other things, and using that built up tension to suceed in other things i need to work on.

confusion, frustration, and masturbation

why do i do what i know i shouldn't. Im not even in control anymore. I see a pretty lady ,i come across the slightest temptation and its like i set off a fixed action pattern and before i know it ive masturbated. I realize this isn't a popular topic, and i guess its considered social taboo, but i fucking hate that it is or that anything is considered taboo to talk about, where is truth in a world that doesnt allow talking about things. Anyways i dont even know why i masturbate so much. It's like once a day. Alot of the time i will prolong it to. I just enjoy sitting their and lusting over internet pictures or finding dating profiles. It's stupid too becuase the minute i finish, i wonder why i ever even started...the whole rush, everything all that enjoyment of staring at my comp. screen and all my imagining, it all goes away and i am sometimes even disgusted by the idea of doing what i was doing. The thing that is so confusing and frustrating to me, is that it is totally different then who i am, or atleast how i view myslef and how others view me.....atleast it used to be. I think i probably started so chronically because i had been repressing myself so long and i had looked at it is so wrong, but at the same time something that would be so fun (sex that is). It turned into this secret life that i had, I've never been caught and no-one knows. Which i guess is the case with most people since they say something like 98% of americans masturbate. I just know that i was and i guess still am looked at as probably being one of the people in that 2%, becuase i sometimes preach self control and try to live an ascetic lifestyle. Anyways it's interesting becuase if i ever took the time to think about, i think every moment of the day i would wish that i didnt masturbate ever, yet i still end up doing it like every day. Part of the reason of my flip-flop is becuase of the way i flip-flop between thinking that there is meaning in this life and that there is a right and wrong, and then on the other hand thinking i should just live for the moment and this world is full of uncertainity and we are just an evolutionary product so nothing matters and i should just do what makes me feel good. Im going to make an argument for me to stop, to stop for good and never masturbate again.

Masturbation is a perversion. there is order to this universe, and there needs to be for anything and everything to work out the best (whether this order is religion or not). Masturbation has no role in a perfect society of a perfect person. It is an inclusive, selfish thing. You are doing it by yourself and only caught up in making yourself happy. Sex is meant to be between a man and a women. It is also meant to be in some sort of marraige situation because it could produce kids which need to be brought up in a loving supporting household where they are protected and taking care of. Masturbation also clouds and clutters your mind. As you masturbate more, you spend more time thinking about it, and it slowly grows not into a more and more serious part of your life and thought. It's a well known fact that every time you indulge in a behavior you become more entrenched in it. This brings me to the time concern. I spend so much time masturbating, or lusting after pictures, time in which im not doing something productive or helpful. Also Masturbation changes the way i look at the world. The more i do it and the more i think that it is ok the more it effects my life outside of those moments in front of my computer. Because lust is taking over my mind i begin to think about girls as sex objects. Any type of influence like this is wrong. Any trace or this thinking is in conflict with the way i should be looking at girls. It also slips into and interrupts good productive thought pattern and i start to look at deeper perversions that could maybe satisfy me a little more and then a deeper more sick perversion. Sometimes i really really wish i was living in a place like Iran where sexual temptation was put down. I think it would provide more clarity and much more purity. Masturbation is so impure and unclean. Not having to think about, to debate, to worry, to hide, to be confused and frustrated about masturbation would allow me to have a less cluttered life a simpler life, and see things in the light they are meant to be seen in. I think it is also just generally unhealthy, becuase i am wearing myself out and unevenly exercising my body. Right now this perversion has control over you, it dictates and tells you what to do, and its not like it should have the authority to do this. The way i need to stop this, is i need to remove all temptations. Every time i have the urge to masturbate i need to take a cold shower and wash the impure thoughts away. I need to remind myself of all the reasons why i shouldn't and that giving in will mean further enslaving myself. I need to always be aware of the sexual temptations around me and i need to ignore them as much as possible. Avoid lusting, and even looking at girls becuase you need to overshoot overcompensate for the deep perversion you are already in. Also the sexual tension will force you to do great things. You need to harness and use this energy and tension for good. This is not only to quit masturbating this is to see how far your self-control and will power can go.

my current goals/agenda

spend all your time:

doing essential things for school, job, coaching, etc... and getting ahead and on top of it as much as i can.

being in optimal physical and mental condition.....working out, exercising, eating healthy.....(drop down eating amounts to prepare you for a fast next week)

Reading "Varieties of Religious Experience" by william james.

other time in social interaction, but not wastefully

religion

So i grew up an every-sunday-church-going family. We attended an united methodist church. I never really questioned anything until in high school. I was always told "this is how it is", not "this is what we believe." My view of the world had always been one of clear wrong and right with my parents explaining that this view, or this person was wrong, this one was right and that was that. When i finally realized that the world could possibly be different from the way my mom described it, and started thinking, i just moved into a more basic christianity rebellion. I would take passages, messages, and concepts from the bible and began hating the hypocrisy i saw not only in my church but with many "christians." I tried to move towards what i thought was true christianity, which sometimes meant not judging the other christians who i thought were in the wrong. As i was "dismantling this manipulation" in an effort to find what the bible really said, i began to realize the true meaning is widely debated and it can be interpretted many ways. I also noticed all the contradictions. I really feel that we as humans need certainty. I guess scientifically speaking you could say that it is becuase of evolution. I'm sure the timid and doubtful would survive less often and die quicker than those that were always decisive and "certain."........gtg will cont.

divisive questions

there are these answers to certain questions that make us so different from everyone else

do you believe you should use reason and knowledge to solve problems or do you believe you should just trust fate and surrender to a higher being?

do you think that happiness is the ultimate goal of a good life or no?

do you think you should try to make a difference in the world?

do you think life is fragile and you could die any time and therefore you shouldnt get caught up in understanding it and never think of it is a long stay with long term goals or do you think you have an eternity to live and never think about death?

should you resist and control your passions or let yourself go?

is there order and reason in this world or is it random chaos?


How are we supposed to communicate and relate to people if we can differ on so many serious issues, or worse, how are you ever supposed to relate to anyone if you are constantly switching your answer to every one of these questions and living with thousands of uncertainties when everyone else seems to be so....so certain.

I know the answer to that is that you don't talk about it, you politely dont bring it up, you only talk about the things you have similar interest with or you just make yourself have similar interests by taking whatever stance makes it easy......I can't do that though, so....uncertain, alone i will remain.

(continued)

Im not able to write in my other blog.......amusionandconfusion.blogspot.com so am just continuing it here.